Annika

Sara, I am thinking about you and your parents every day. Multiple times. Don’t hesitate to show this to your dad. I want you both to know.
I am thinking about Sam and about how I can even put this into words. I do not have a public social media account where I can express how much he meant to me and have everyone hear it loud and clear...
I have come to feel quite alone in my grieving as I am not as much a part of the community and do not have many friends.
I don’t even know where to start. I’m sure you have heard this from a gazillion people, but Sam meant the fucking world to me. We shared a very separate relationship and when we got together we tended to spend time alone primarily as friends. I’ve known him since I was 16 but I mainly remember these last three months I spent with him seeing him almost every day.

Sam changed me, and I see it more and more everyday. Sam was sensitive and emotionally expressive in a moving way. He could hold the duality of the world in a curious manner, so curious that he would even question his own words. He expressed his love to the world and fought against the things he didn’t love. He sought knowledge and understanding of all sides. I had never had discussions lead to so many places. We experienced confusion and epiphanies together through our words
He was an adventurer and seeker, not only of fun, but of comfort and refuge. I think we sought refuge in each other. In my experienced, he had calmed a lot in the last year and was reaching out in new directions. He talked to me about wanting to encourage and support a community in the Bay Area where everyone could feel loved. This really resonates with the foundation you have created under his name, and it touched me when I saw the post.

That’s when I felt some regret for not being in the community, and I want you to know that I would like to help in a way that would work for you. I am inspired by Sam and his ability to feel oneness in any crowd. He represents the foundation of his group of friends and radiated that oneness outwards. He made me feel safe, so, so loved, and fully seen. This is something very unique to me and cannot be replaced. This is why I have found myself in silence these last days, at a loss for words.

My heart breaks even more when I think about you and your family. I cannot begin to imagine the hole in your hearts. He was so bright and so special, and he was a magical being. Again, he thought the world of you. He raved on and on about how you were the most dear person in his life and you provided him with immense peace. He said you were the closest to him in your family and that never changed the entire two years I knew him.
I’ve said this all because I miss him so much and because I know how much he valued you. I want you should know about who he was to me, and he was a lot. More than a best friend. I am sending you soooooooo much love and if you need anything, please reach out.